


How To Forgive

by Cyndakrm



Category: Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy, Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2016-05-04
Packaged: 2018-05-29 20:59:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6393571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cyndakrm/pseuds/Cyndakrm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Forgiveness was a difficult thing, especially when forgiving oneself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In the Light of Day

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I hope this is an acceptable first chapter. I work 7 days a week, so it will be a slow going fic. However, I do intend to do my best to keep up a semi-consistent updating system. I know this first chapter is rather small, but I intend to try and get a minimum of 2,000 words in each chapter after this. In the meantime, I hope you've enjoyed yourself.

Forgiveness was a difficult thing, especially when forgiving oneself.

For Cloud, he found this was often the case when it came to his nights. When all was dark and he was alone in a bedroom that was more often in a dingy motel than the one gathering dust at 7th Heaven. It was in this nothingness he understood this fact rather constantly. Plagued with the scattered memories of times he couldn't quite place. A flicker of a young brunette with curls here, a shadow of Hojo's sinister smile there. A gunshot, a sword, rain and mud, bodies. A blood stained face reflected in amethyst eyes - a scream that reached the sky.

There were very particular moments from his past that made him question how some things could ever be forgiven.

How he could ever forgive himself at all.

 

* * *

 

_The rain was heavy and unwavering as the wind tried pushing its way deeper into the the smallish cave, perched on a high ledge of a rock face and easy to defend. The storm clouds had been rather sudden, but Zack had managed to find them some shelter in time, which meant their clothes were at least dry despite the weathers valiant efforts._

_They had been running for months now._

_Day and night, the men of Shinra came to bring an end to Zack Fair and Cloud Strife. Two cogs in a clock that weren't expected to be missed and weren't expected to be found. Whether by means of recapture and torture or by death, they were to be stopped, and so more and more infantry came looking for them every night. Some nights, they were lucky enough not to be found._

_Infantry weren't all that hard to beat, not for Zack Fair. However the Ex-SOLDIER was still just one man, one young man with hopes and dreams for his future, whom had already lost so much and might possibly lose even more, should Shinra get their way. For all his unfathomable ability to not only keep himself, but a variable vegetable of a friend alive whilst crossing a continent to home, and having this journey take as long as it has... Zack Fair was only one man._

_One man who dearly missed his friend._

_But he had to be strong, for Clouds sake he had to. That's why, as the storm raged and the thunder mixed with the odd sound of scare tactic gunfire, he joked about how there must be a leak somewhere in the stones above them, because it kept hitting him in the face. Mentioned how he really should have found a warmer place - or maybe grabbed a bush or branch - because he was shaking pretty bad and he really wished he had Clouds winter skin right about now. This was why he held the blond so close, he explained. To keep them both warm until the morning would come and they could start moving ahead again. Somewhere safer, where the enemies weren't so close by._

_And when the night was at it's darkest and it felt like nothing else existed in the world but the two of them and that dark and tiny cave. Zack would speak to him then, his voice scared and small as a boy._

_"You come back to me, Cloud." He would say, and his grip would tighten as a warmth fell onto the blonde's pale cheek "You gotta get up. I know I'm a big strong guy and all, but I wouldn't mind some help here, y'know?"_

_The laugh that escaped him next felt strained against Cloud's ear "I'm not going to let you leave my side until you can look me in the eye on your own, you owe me at least that much for hauling your ass across a whole continent."_

_There was a deep breath then that ruffled his bangs, as if Zack was trying to steady his next words. Though, even to this day, Cloud could still clearly hear the tremor in the other man's voice - the way it cracked so brittley at the end "So, please, Cloud... Just come back, I just-... I really miss you-"_

_The rest of their night passed on in silence after that, and Cloud imagined it was because Zack was too afraid his voice might break if he said anymore. Instead, Zack just held him close and rubbed any possibly developing atrophy out of the blonde's limbs and appendages. When morning came and the pale grey light ghosted its way into the dusty little cave, Zack's face outshone the sunlight. Once again, his eyes were clear and determined as he made Clouds gaze meet his own, and he smiled his hopeful smile as if everything were still the same._

_However, there was a bit more weight there in his gaze, a little more something for him to carry as he pulled the blond to his feet. One more added pain of a night spent fighting all alone._

 

* * *

 

 

The pale morning light filtered in through his window, it's grey glow leaving the room colourless, and Cloud slowly realized he had passed yet another night without any sleep. His limbs felt heavy and his heart felt hollow, like somebody had scooped everything out and left nothing to pump into his veins. If Tifa was here to see him, he knew she would notice it, would scold him for not taking care of himself.

He couldn't bring himself to care.

Because he was still caught up on those weighted eyes.

In that morning light.

 

In that evening rain.

 

And he wondered how he could ever forgive himself for something like that.


	2. In the Dark of Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, sorry for lateness. I'm still slowly getting the chapters fleshed out, I know this one isn't long, but it's as much as I could think of adding without accidently droning on. I don't know how many chapters there are going to be, but I'm going to estimate 12-24. Either way, I hope this is satisfying enough for you. I'm probably going to take a while with the next few chapters, just because they have to have some important plot content and I'm struggling with how I should place it to make it all work. Please be patient with me;;;

The man's amethyst eyes watched on from his perch on the window ledge as the pale blond pushed himself up to sit on the bed, sitting there and staring ahead at nothing.

“You need to take better care of yourself, Spike.” The comment was casual, even laid back, “How are you expecting to keep up your business if your so tired you fall asleep on your bike?”

There was no response, he didn't expect any. Cloud hadn't shown a single sign of being able to hear him since his last battle with Sephiroth. Sure, there were times it _looked_ like he paused, or may have been listening to something, but the ravenette had long since stopped believing it was anything more than coincidence. I mean, if he had heard him, he would have responded back in some way by now, wouldn't he? It'd been over a year for Gaias sake!

He could still remember that last conversation, that last battle.

 

* * *

 

 

_He knew the blond wasn't going to win it, not without a little extra help, it was too close and Sephiroth was just better enough for it to matter. The thought of Cloud dying, after everything, had been unbearable. It was as if the gaping hole in his chest had suddenly returned with a vengeance, raw and open and painful._

_He couldn't let it happen, he wouldn't let it._

_Before he knew it, time had suddenly stopped. The world grew bright and he could hear Cloud just behind him, at his feet, struggling to push himself up and fight on. For this moment, he was safe to take a breath and refocus himself and before he even took the moment to think about it, he was already speaking, because he knew._

_Cloud would hear him this time._

_He rambled, more than anything, refusing to let this chance slip away from him. Trying his best to think of the right words to make Cloud get through this in one piece. He'd almost wept to listen to Cloud respond to him, though he never once turned to look for the long dead friend._

_Zack didn't have that much restraint._

_He knew he shouldn't, something in him told him it wasn't allowed to really see each other when you both knew you could. When things were like this, with the line of life and death so brittle. He wasn't supposed to look, there were rules (though what those rules were, exactly, he didn't know). Still, his head turned, his eyes glanced, and the form of strong slender shoulders and sunlight yellow hair was soon reflected into his eye. Everything felt changed in that second._

_He looked away, his heart racing, his life beating and thrumming in his ears. Then Cloud spoke to him again and everything trembled in his sight and he was gone, just a ghost again as Cloud progressed – fought on._

_The next thing he knew, Aerith was there, hands on his arms as if she were the only thing holding him up. Her face was sad, despite her small smile. “Oh, Zack. What have you done...”_

_At first, he didn't understand. He knew he wasn't supposed to see Cloud, not when he was so real, so within his grasp like that. Was it so bad though? Was wanting to see the face of a loved one so wrong?_

_He didn't have much time to think on it after that, as the battle progressed and Sephiroth was defeated, though nearly at an unacceptable price. Cloud, for only a moment, passed into the afterlife._

_Zack was a wreck. His hands shook as they brushed over the blond's limp expression, rubbing at the dirt on his little chocobo's face uselessly. Aerith was soon to set him at ease, saying she wasn't going to let him die just yet. Though the news was joyful for the ex-SOLDIER, a part of him felt like it was ripping inside, for being so quickly re-separated from his best friend. If Cloud didn't have a life still to live out and experience, Zack felt a deep fear that he might have not been willing to let him go back at all._

_So, he let him go._

_After everything had been set right again and Cloud was very much alive, it wasn't until that moment in the church that the force of what he'd done really showed itself. They were saying their last goodbyes, before he and Aerith would move back into the lifestream, and he would – presumably – fade into it's current for good. Aerith had been talking to a couple of children, always able to commune with their more open spirits without the fear of doing any harm. He hadn't paid it any mind, too focused on memorizing Clouds happy face, not wanting to let the image fade._

_Not wanting to say any goodbyes at all._

_He wished, for all the world, that he could speak to him again, just one last time. To say all the things he'd meant to, to ruffle his puffy spikes, to hug him tight and keep him so close that he would never go. He wished for this so hard that it hurt him, until tears threatened his eyes._

_Aerith seemed to sense something, because she soon stood up and moved to him with a purpose, looking about to say something. Whatever it was quickly died on her lips, however. He could see her in the corner of his eyes, pause for a moment before exasperated smile spread to her lips and she turned to face the crowd gathered at the pond._

_Where Cloud stood, staring at them._

_At him._

_She spoke to him, voice like a washing calm, and Cloud heard her. Aerith began to leave then, the blond never moving his eyes away from the sight of them. From Zacks face._

_She looked at him sadly “Zack, it's time to turn away.”_

_It took everything he had to listen to her. To turn with just a wave of his hand and put one foot in front of the other. Hearing Cloud's inner thoughts like the sound of his voice, ringing clear in his mind as he seemed to find peace in seeing them one last time. It had been too much._

_He cried when they entered the lifestream, cried harder than he did when Angeal had died. Harder than he may have ever cried in his whole existence. How could he rest in peace, how could he find solace in a place where Cloud wasn't stood by his side? He damned the days they spent running for their lives, damned them for giving him the chance to realize that how he felt about the blond couldn't be passed off as just some crush. Damned them for making him aware of a love that may never be seen, because Cloud may never look at him with seeing eyes again._

_Damned them for taking his life just as those eyes could finally see him again._

_The lifestream couldn't reach him like this, it was being rejected by the restlessness he felt. He would never be able to fade into peace. Not unless Cloud was with him._

_Aerith simply held him, like she once had in the church, all those years ago._

_There was a note to her voice, like she understood much more than she should have, when she spoke again “You should have never looked..”_

 

* * *

  
  


“Oh, come on, Spike. You could at least _eat_ something before heading back out!" The dead soldier complained "I mean, look at you, soon skin and bones is going to be all that's left!”

The blond continued on out of the door, with his last delivery slung over his shoulder in a duffel, as if the other weren't even there. Zack rolled his eyes as he pattered on after the man, continuing his unheard chatter, undeterred by the lack of other commentary “How about catching a bit on the road then? My treat!”

As usual, no signs were given that Cloud heard a single thing he'd said. The blond simply continued moving forward, like he'd always done, and Zack found he really didn't like the role reversal of having to follow on behind him. He made a note to himself to apologize about his own head-on recklessness later. He could still remember how Cloud had always struggled to stay by his side, always a step or two behind. Which was ridiculously impressive for an infantryman, but the blond had never found it enough. Thought he could always do better - could always _be_ better. It seemed that residual feeling of never being good enough had only amplified in his friend over the years. Zack was sad to see all the promise of a better life dwindle in the face of his friends depression, he had been doing so well after that last battle, at least at first.

“Cloud, please, eat _something_.” His chocobo hopped onto the bike and Zack didn't even hesitate to follow suit (rather pleased, the first time he tried, to find out that he didn't fall through the thing like he'd thought he would) He wrapped his arms around Clouds waist like a hug and rested his chin on a slim shoulder. “You're really worrying me.”

They sped off together that way, heading to the next destination. Ever moving forward.

Though, after the delivery, Cloud thankfully _did_ stop and find something to eat.

The blond even chatted with the bartender.

 

 

* * *

  
  


Cloud pulled out his cell, punching in the number for the bar. He was dreading the call before he even heard the dial tone. He knew he had good reasons for his delay, this time, but it didn't stop the stress from building as he prepared to tell the family he'd already put through so much abandonment that he was going to be spending even longer away.

He knew Tifa would understand, but that didn't mean she was going to be happy about it.

“Hello, this is the Seventh Heaven and Strife Delivery Service! How may I direct your call?”

“Hey, Denzel. It's just me.”

“Cloud! Are you done your delivery already? You're coming home, right?” The blond couldn't refrain from the minor flinch of guilt setting in, that Denzel still worried about him even coming back was a real reminder of what he had put those kids through when he had been at his lowest.

“Yes, I'm coming back, but not just yet. Denz, could you put Tifa on?” He asked quickly, so the boy couldn't start questioning him on why he'd be delayed. After a momentary pause (to which he could just _see_ the look of disappointment on the little brunettes face) he got the affirmative that he'd go and grab her. “Thanks and– Denz.”

“Yeah, Cloud?”

The blond bit his lip “You're, ah... Getting really good at answering, the phone.” He winced after saying it. Gaia, he was shit at this.

There was a moment more of silence before the boy's voice returned, hopeful “You really think so?”

He smiled “Yeah, I think so.”

“T-Thanks Cloud! I'll keep getting better. I'll go get Tifa now!” The phone made a loud clank as it was put on the countertop and Clouds smile didn't disappear as he heard Denzel's footfalls rushing off to find the lady of the house.

He could just imagine how Zack would be teasing him right now.

Probably something along the lines of _'Man Spikey, that's so cute! Glad you've got some dad skills on you after all!'_

He could imagine it so well, it was like he was actually hearing it.

He pushed the voice out.

It wasn't long after that Tifa's voice came in through the phone “Cloud?”

Here it goes, “Hey Tief. The deliveries are done, but I'm going to be delayed. There are some... rumours over here, they seem worth checking out.”

There was a pause, a slight tone of disbelief “What kind of rumours?”

The doubt made him cringe. Because he knew as much as she did, this was also just a way to stay out. Keep some space between him and them for a little bit longer. Even if the delay was legit and he had good reasons, they both knew it was something Cloud may have been purposely looking for.

“Strange sounds and activity coming from the southern edge of town, by the foothills. Sights of oddly dressed people. Going by the descriptions on their appearance, they sound like leftover Deepground soldiers.” When he got no response, knowing Tifa was probably troubled by the news, he continued “I just want to take a look.”

She sighed “Okay, just be careful.. And- Cloud?”

“Yeah.” He knew what was coming.

“Come home, soon?”

His jaw couldn't help but clench a little “I will. I promise.”

With that, he closed his phone and the call ended. Ignoring the guilt and the stress, he sped off and headed for the darkened foothills on the outskirts of the town. The wind rushed through his hair and the stars dotted the inky sky, and as Fenrir roared into the night, the blond imagined it was a different engine, and another man was along for the ride.

And he swore he could almost feel him.

 


End file.
